Subtle mess
by Isabella1020
Summary: "Love. It can mean pain. It can mean happiness. It's always a mess. It happens to the best of us. Jim and Pam aren't the exception." A collection of drabbles and ficlets involving Jim and Pam during different times of their history. Multi-shot.
1. Laughter

**Author's Note:** Hey! I'm Rose. This is a collection of drabbles and ficlets involving Jim and Pam during different times of their history. Each chapter will always include the continuity (since the order will be random and not chronological) so the readers won't be confused and it will be (almost always) named after the song that inspired it. Some chapters might be completely fictional (A/U), so don't worry if you see something that didn't happen in the show. You're not crazy, it's just my hyperactive imagination. Let's see… what else? Oh, right: school often sucks the life outta me, so sometimes there'll be delays within posts. I think that's all. I hope you enjoy this. Feedback is obviously appreciated.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own The Office. (_But how I wish I could!_)

**Continuity:** Anytime between Season Five's 8th episode _'Frame Toby'_, and 26th episode, '_Company Picnic'_.

* * *

The afternoon was quite warm for a spring day, even in late April. Little drops of sweat ran down her temples and his forehead as they spent their daily dose of free time in the bedroom, doing nothing in particular. She sat against the headboard of the bed, her legs folded, reading a magazine. He laid on his back beside her, his legs lazily spread across the bed, silently watching her (_exist_) – something he really enjoyed – and every once in a while he moved closer to kiss her or to whisper something in her ear.

The old vent wasn't helping refreshing the room, so the heat plus the noise the blades caused by moving slowly were making him sleepy. He started yawning repeatedly, and his eyelids felt heavy. Just when he was about to doze off, she started chuckling and the sound of her laughter broke the silence of the room as it grew louder and louder.

She laughed, throwing her head back, moving her body back and forth, clutching her stomach with one of her hands and covering her mouth with the other. She laughed until tears spilled out of the corners of her eyes and she was breathless. Only when she was able to calm down she managed to point at the magazine, which had fallen to the floor open by the page she had been reading from.

Jim stretched his right arm and grabbed the magazine, then read the headline out loud. "How to tell whether your man is gay or not."

He looked at his fiancée, puzzled. "I don't get it. What's so funny?'

She shook her head, holding back giggles. "Remember the _gaydar_?"

He laughed along at the memory before kissing her in a way that made her run out of oxygen again. When they broke apart he tugged at the strap of her purple tank top and caressed her skin as a smirk formed on his lips.

"It wasn't that funny, Beesly."

"Well I'm bored, _Halpert. _You're not exactly being entertaining."She fired back with a mischievous grin on her face.

"Really?"He raised an eyebrow, seductively. "Try me."

A similar smirk formed on her face as well.

Both the magazine and the gaydar were quickly forgotten.


	2. Last Night

**Continuity:** Right after Season Two's 1st episode, _The Dundies._

_

* * *

_

Pam stumbled out of Angela's car, mumbled an apology and a _Thank you_ and somehow managed to get inside the house without making too much noise or tripping over her own feet. Once she got to her bedroom, she quickly took off her clothes, changed into her pajamas and collapsed onto the bed.

She fell asleep.

Hours later, the shrill sound of the alarm clock woke her up. The second she opened her eyes she started feeling terribly sic and dizzy – that was when she remembered the Dundies, the party, and drinking a lot more than she should have, and she understood.

Something was missing, though.

There was some sort of blank in her memory, and she knew she was forgetting something, something important, but she couldn't put a finger on it. She shook her head in frustration, knowing that it's going to bother her all day long – that, if at any time during the day she could get past the fact that she felt awful.

_So this is how the morning after feels like_, she thought as she slowly got ready for work. She had never gotten so drunk before, and she made a mental note of never doing it again. It wasn't exactly the most pleasing experience of all times.

Suddenly, a blurry, slightly vague image popped up in her head.

"…_Um, so, finally, I want to thank God. Because God gave me this Dundie. And, I feel God in this Chili's tonight."The woman held her award up for everyone to see it, shouted in excitement, smiled from ear to ear, hugged her boss and gave him a kiss on the cheek. Then she ran towards a tall, handsome, grinning man who applauded enthusiastically, standing next to the closest table and proceeded to hug him as well before giving him a quick, almost fleeting peck on the lips. As she turned around and slipped back into her chair, the man, looking happily confused, did the same, not knowing exactly what had just happened or how to react to it. He didn't even dare to look at her directly. And since he wasn't looking, he didn't notice her sighing deeply at the same time that he did, both too lost in their own contemplations to pay any attention to the person sitting right in front of them. _

_Not even when that person was the center their thoughts revolved around._

She blushed deeply. How could she dare to even imagine kissing her best friend? She had no idea where had that mental picture come from, but she decided to forget about it, and she passed it off as a drunken delusion.

_Yeah, it was probably a dream._


	3. Cosmic

**Continuity:** Right after Season Two's 22nd episode, _Casino Night__._

_

* * *

_

Countless tears fall from her eyes, slide across her cheeks and down her neck and end up landing on her old sweatshirt, the one she usually wears to sleep.

Countless tears fall from her eyes because she's made a mistake, one that she believes impossible to fix.

Countless tears fall from her eyes because she misses him, and remembering the night that changed everything only makes it worse.

Countless tears fall from her eyes when she re-lives the electricity that shocked every single one of her body cells the moment his lips touched hers. It had seemed as if the world had suddenly lit up - thousands and thousands of stars suddenly appearing on the night sky and bursting into colorful beams of light, blinding her and making her wonder if she should fall to her knees and worship that light she'd never seen before.

(_Mesmerizing. Transcendental. Dazzling. Supernatural. Overwhelming. Ground-breaking. _

No, _cosmic._)

Countless tears fall from her eyes because she's so confused that she can barely describe the way it felt, but she certainly wants it to happen again. It won't, though, because he's gone.

Countless tears fall from her eyes because she knows she should have stopped herself from blowing her only chance – the way she wasted that opportunity, and the way he walked away from her, oh, do they make her feel like dying.

Countless tears fall from her eyes when she remembers feeling his heartbeat underneath her hands while they kissed.

Countless tears fall from her eyes because she feels more alone than ever before.

Countless tears fall from her eyes because ever since he left she can't sleep. Sleeping used to be the only escape she had from a life she hated, because in her sleep she could dream; now that she needs to dream more than ever, she can't fall asleep. Since she can't stop crying either, night after night she just sits on her bed, immobile, her gaze fixed on some random spot of the wall in front of her, and she stays there - the drops slowly slide down her delicate figures, but she doesn't move, she doesn't sob, she barely breathes, as if she practiced to become a living statue.

Countless tears fall from her eyes; she wonders if she'll ever be able to stop - if they'll someday create a cure for perpetual crying – and how will she go on, and why had she been so stupid to push away the one person that meant the world for her.

Countless tears fall from her eyes because she feels she doesn't deserve all this, she thinks it's just not fair, it's just too much for her to handle.

Countless tears fall from her eyes, and she tries to wipe them off one by one, but it seems that her two tiny, porcelain hands are not enough to stop such giant sea of sadness from pouring.

Countless tears fall from her eyes and she thinks that if drowning in one's tears could happen, she would already be dead.

Countless tears fall from her eyes because she feels lost.

Countless tears fall from her eyes; she is quite sure that the day he walked away, her heart became smaller, harder, heavier. She is certain that with every day that passes, her heart turns a little into a stone.

Countless tears fall from her eyes when she thinks there must be something wrong with her, because it's not normal to cry this much – not being able to stop can't be right.

Countless tears fall from her eyes because ever since he went away, he left her in the dark, and she knows for sure there'll be no such thing as the stars, the Moon, the Sun or the dawn- only shadows for her sore eyes until the day he comes back.

If he ever does.


	4. Kisses

**Continuity:** Between Season Two's 22nd episode, _Casino Night, _and Season Three's 23rd episode, _The Job. _

_

* * *

_

The first time, it happened too fast – and it was completely unexpected. Before the awareness of what was happening hit him, it was already done, leaving as the only prove of its existence that tingly feeling on his lips that made him blush ever so slightly and stumble back into his seat. He wondered if she had any idea of what she had just done, and whether or not she'd ever acknowledge that kiss, or if she'd just forget it like it had never happened. He didn't even know if he wanted her to remember it. But if something was clear, it was that he'd never forget that moment.

Their second kiss was radically different. In a way, they both sensed it was coming, given the circumstances. This time the initiative was his – he started it, knowing that it'd be something like his last chance. For a moment – the blissful, ephemeral moment their lips touched – he thought it would last, as if finally, luck had decided to be on his side. She was kissing him back, after all – that had to mean something.

However, she disappointed him, and his hopes, after getting too high, came crashing down onto the ground. And after that, things changed too much, too quickly – seemingly, in a permanent way.

The only thing that remained constant throughout his days was a question.

A question that sometimes gave him trouble sleeping.

A question that popped up in his mind whenever he tried to concentrate on something else.

A question he couldn't possibly reply to, because its answer depended on someone else.

_When will we kiss again?_


	5. Killing lies

**Continuity:** Anytime during Season Three, before 'The Job.'

* * *

He pretends not to see her. He doesn't talk to her. He never walks over to her desk anymore. He doesn't look at her directly, or for longer than a split second, not even once. He never calls her.

He simply tries not to remember that she exists.

Of course, he fails miserably at it, but he surely tries. Really hard. And that makes him a liar - every one of his words, every one of his actions, every breath he takes, even, seem unreal, fake. Without her, his entire life is a lie.

A lie that's killing him, day by day.

Because throughout the days and the afternoons and despite all his efforts he_ notices _her, which leads him to remember that he needs her, which makes him thinks of her, and he just loves her, more than anything else on the planet and overall and even whe she broke his heart and forever.

A lie so big to cover up for all that love hasn't yet been invented.


	6. Train

**Continuity:** Season Five's 26th episode, Company Picnic.

* * *

Happiness hit her like a train on a track.

It was a shocking – no, heart-stopping – kind of happiness. One hundred in a scale of one to ten. Had she not been sitting, she would have probably fallen to her knees.

_I had no idea…_

Her fiancé seemed so happily dazed, just like her, and he buried his face on her shoulder as they silently hugged tightly in front of the doctor, who wasn't used to young couples handling unexpected pregnancies so well – this exception was heart-warming - and felt a little uncomfortable, as if the scene he was witnessing was something intimate and private he wasn't supposed to be watching. The man and the woman oozed joy, and in such amount that was a bit intimidating.

She saw tears in his eyes and she simply couldn't believe it – then she realized his tears mirrored hers, which spilled from the corners of her eyes non-stop. The last time she had seen him shed a tear she had awfully broken his heart. But now she was making him the happiest man on the planet – no, the Universe.

_Oh my God, we're gonna be parents. Parents, for God's sake._

She felt so amazed that it was impossible to stop smiling, and he was in no better condition. He kissed her cheeks and whispered in her ear.

"I love you."

"I love _you._"

"You have no idea – this is…"

"I know."She interrupted him, framing his face with her tiny hands as she put a fake frown upon her face. "Parents. Big deal, Halpert."

A short, nervous chuckle escaped from his mouth. "It is indeed, Beesly."

"Don't worry."She gave him a soft peck on the lips. "We'll be great at it."

He nodded and grinned silently, then pressed his forehead against hers before hugging her again. After a while, she slightly tapped on his back.

"What is it?"

"You should call Dwight."She reminded him, and the look of wisdom on her face was almost funny.

"Right."He suddenly remembered there was a volleyball game they were supposed to be playing – that was actually the last thing on his mind now. "Will do. Don't go anywhere. I'll be right back. "He said before rushing out of the room.

She chuckled, then instinctively brought a hand to her (for now) flat stomach for the first time. There was a beaming smile on her face, and tears were still welling up in her eyes.

_Our baby. _

_Nine months from now._


	7. Better

**Continuity:** Anytime during Season Three.

* * *

I see you. You don't notice that because lately your back's always turned on me, but I watch you all the time. And I see it, they way you're hurting. I can see your pain and believe me when I say it's mine too, for I love you. I want to heal it. So tell me, where does it hurt? How does it hurt? Is your pain similar to mine? If it is, then it must hurt all the time and so much that you've stopped wishing for happiness and instead, you wish for death, so you can finally be numb. If it's like mine, then it has stopped being a nightmare and become your reality. Is it my fault that you're hurting? Sometimes I wish it was _her _fault, so I would have an excuse to hate her. But it's not her fault, is it? It's me. I'm the one who caused all this. Would you feel better if I kissed you where it's sore? Would you feel better if I spent the rest of my life trying my best to turn this mess into happiness for both of us? Would it help if we were together? Would it help if I asked you for forgiveness on my knees? Would you let me do it, even if it doesn't help at all? Those are just some of the ways of making things better that I've come up with. Just in case you haven't noticed, I am suffering too, but I want to heal your pain first, more than anything else. You have no idea how badly. I don't care if you don't believe this. I am convinced that your forgiveness is the beginning of my cure, but that's not the point. Just be alright, okay? Just let me try to help you heal.

Just let me make it better.


	8. Glass

**Continuity:** Anytime during Season Three before_ 'Beach Games'._

_

* * *

_

I wonder if I'm becoming a ghost. It's not a crazy possibility, since these days no one seems to notice my existence. He doesn't look at me. Ever. Maybe I'm made of glass and that's why every time I look in his direction he seems to see right through me, as if I'm not there.

Funny, right? Not so long ago we were best friends, and I was sort of the only person he talked to in the office, the one he always hung out with, the girl who was always there for him, no matter what. Little did I know that I also broke his heart whenever I talked about Roy.

I used to be the only one whose eyes he wanted to stare into. Now he doesn't look at me. Ever. Or he sees right through me. Who knows. All I can say is that I think I'm becoming a ghost…

… because this surely feels like _dying. _


	9. Another town

**Continuity:** Anytime between _Casino Night_ (Season Two's 22nd episode) and Season Three's 8th episode, _The Merger._

_

* * *

_

In Stamford, Conneticut, he feels grey, dull, and cold.

In Stamford, Conneticut, he feels ten years older or maybe more.

In Stamford, Conneticut, he misses someone, all the time and intensely.

In Stamford, Conneticut, jealousy eats him up inside when he thinks of the woman he left behind, getting married and starting a happy life with her fiancé.

In Stamford, Conneticut, he remembers every single thing about her, and that makes it even harder for him to forget her.

In Stamford, Conneticut, not being able to get over her drives him crazy.

In Stamford, Conneticut, failing at attempting to move on is exhausting.

In Stamford, Conneticut, she is the first thought on his mind when he wakes up and the last before he falls asleep.

In Stamford, Conneticut, he needs her to exist normally, and since she's not with him, he's hopeless.

In Stamford, Conneticut, he's full of regret and memories and bitterness.

In Stamford, Conneticut, his world revolves around her – even when he doesn't actually see her anymore.

In Stamford, Conneticut, he has convinced himself of going back and doing whatever it takes to make her love him, even out of pity – and he's talked himself out of it a million times.

In Stamford, Conneticut, Jim Halpert is the same man he was in Scranton, Pennsylvania.

Therefore, he still loves her.

_He loves her. He wants her. He doesn't act on his feelings because that would be wrong (according to…?). He needs her. He cares about her. He loves her. He tries not to because he knows he doesn't have a chance. He fails. He loves her. He denies his love for her and pretends to move on. He still loves her. _

His life is, since he met her, like a vicious circle he can't get out of. It begins with his epic, giant-sized love for her and it ends with his desperation because he can't let go of that love.

He has been such a fool for thinking that moving to another town would change that.


	10. Upside down

**Continuity:** Anytime during Seasons One or Two. (Pre _Casino Night_.)

* * *

It's funny because he really sees her upside down.

_Pam, the shy, quiet, receptionist._

_Pam, the most ordinary, dull girl one could find._

_Pam, the meek young woman with no goals in life. _

_Pam, the girl trapped in a loveless, never-ending engagement. _

_Pam, the definition of settling._

He doesn't see her in any of those ways. He knows better. His best friend, the girl he's desperately in love with, well, she doesn't match any of those statements.

The woman he loves is talented and creative and wants to pursue her passion for art more than anything else on the world.

The woman he loves can make him laugh until tears spill out of the corners of his eyes, whether it is by helping him pulling pranks on Dwight, or by simply sharing a look of shock or annoyance whenever Michael speaks.

The woman he loves is beautiful, so incredibly beautiful to him, that he thinks a new word should be invented, only to describe _her_ beauty. None of the already existent words seem enough for him to convey it.

The woman he loves is caring, loving, compassionate, and she has the biggest heart among all the people he's ever met.

The woman he loves is the best friend he could possibly ask for – even when she might accidentally break his heart from time to time. It doesn't matter. He knows it's probably his fault for falling for her in the first place.

The woman he loves, with all her little dreams of art classes and a good husband who'll love her and a house with a terrace she can put flowers in, is, to him, the definition of being wonderful.

The woman he loves is flawless, and sometimes he thinks he's not worthy of her.

Yeah, it's as if he sees her upside down.

Every little thing people don't notice about her - he knows it by heart.

And every little thing she doesn't like about herself - he loves it dearly.

But he also sees her upside down in another way, when he imagines her in a situation that's different from her current life – when he pictures her being happy, and getting everything she ever wanted, and finding someone who loved her exactly the way she was.

Someone like himself.

Whenever he pictures his life with Pam – the dating period, the proposal, the engagement, the wedding, then kids… - he feels that he needs that desperately, as if losing the possibility of having that future might be his death sentence. He wants to have that so bad… he simply can't help by day-dreaming of it. Without those little fantasies he is sure he would not make it through the day.

Of course, seeing her the way he does has downsides.

Because despite how great it is to think of the happiness that can be achieved, but every time he sees the engagement ring on her finger, he is reminded of reality. He remembers she's not his, but someone else's, and that she will get married soon – that's when the little that's left of his hope fades away and suddenly he doesn't care much about life anymore – he knows he'll just keep on existing, but living like a normal person is impossible without her.

If only he could stop seeing her upside down.

Even better: if only reality could stop reminding him that he sees her upside down.


	11. Buildings

**Continuity:** Anytime between _"Weight Loss"_ (Season Five's 1st episode) and Season Five's 7th episode, _"Business Trip."_

_

* * *

_

(Tuesday, 1:00 AM.)

The phone rang and his eyes fluttered open. Before the shrill sound was heard for the fourth time, he stumbled out of bed, scowling, and picked up.

"Hello."

"Oh hey, is James there? I need to talk to him."

He rubbed his tired eyelids with the back of his hand and suppressed a yawn, still trying to figure out what exactly was going on. "This is James. I mean, Jim. "

"_Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam."_

"_Dunder Mifflin, this is Jim."_

He smiled at the memory and tried to focus on the conversation. "Who is this?"

"Hey man, I'm sorry about the time. I'm Alex, Pam's friend from-"

"Pratt."He interrupted, suddenly feeling fully awake. His grip on the telephone tightened. "Is she okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, she's fine, it's just, um, we went for a drink after class with some friends…"

"_Yeah, I'd say she's happy. I mean, she loves her classes. Loves the city. I mean, last night, she was out with her friends, till, like, 8:00 AM."_

"_I thought you were her friend."_

He swallowed hard. "And?"

"She kind of got totally wasted, you know. Nothing we haven't seen before, I mean, this is New York City. I walked her to her dorm, but she didn't look like she was feeling too well. She seemed to pass out on her bed, like, I think she fell asleep the second her head hit the pillow."

"Oh."He sat down at the edge of the bed, absorbing all that information with a puzzled look on his face. "I'm sorry; I don't understand why you're calling me…"

"She told me you guys were meeting tomorrow morning to hang out, she mentioned a place but I don't remember where it was…"

"_The rest stop where that soda exploded on me. Exit 17, I think."_

"But given her current condition, she'll probably wake up by noon tomorrow with the worst hangover she's ever had, so I'm guessing she won't make it to your reunion."

"Right."He nodded, absentmindedly, still thinking about how the words totally wasted and worst hangover didn't really fit with his fianceé.

"I'm just saying I wouldn't go if I were her…"

"No, I understand…"

"I'm sorry, dude. I know you guys were really looking forward to getting together. She just happened to get too drunk the wrong night."

"Yeah. Um, thanks for calling."

"No problem."

There was a small pause and he hesitated to hang up. Sighing, he decided he couldn't just ignore what had happened.

"Listen, Alex, could you do me a favor?"

* * *

Scranton wasn't exactly the closest place to New York City, but Jim didn't care. He drove as fast as he possibly could, praying all the time he wouldn't crash because he _had_ to get to her. His eyes were fixed on the road and he tapped his fingers nervously against the steering wheel as the miles flew by. Finally, he arrived to Pratt School of Design. He hurried to park, jumped out of the car without even bothering to lock it and ran across the campus until he reached the small hall in which he'd waited once, after which he managed to find the way to Pam's room. He was relieved to find the extra key that Alex had diligently hidden inside a nearby flowerpot for him. He opened the door and walked into the room, completely in the dark except for the moonlight entering through the window.

"Who are you? There's nothing here to steal. I have a weapon!"

He turned around to see a pale, half undressed, terrified Pam holding a Taser gun up at him. She dropped it to the ground as soon as she saw his face. "Jim!" She exclaimed."Holy crap, you scared the hell out of me. What are you doing here?"

"Alex called me."He moved a little bit closer, raising his arms like a thief that's just been caught. "You have a Taser?"

"Roy made me buy it, once upon a time."She replied quickly, pretending to be cool and casual about it. "Seriously, he called you?"

He nodded. "He said you got completely wasted."

"And you came?"She furrowed her brow. "Jim, it's a two-hour drive!"

He shrugged in all his helplessness. "I'm your fiancé."

"Jesus Christ."Pam shook her head. "I'm fine. I can't believe you bothered to come here. Alex overreacted, and so did you. I might have had a few more drinks than the usual, but that doesn't mean…" A strong, violent dizziness cut her off. It felt as if her legs were about to bent over, and she ran to the bathroom to throw up in the toilet. Seconds later she felt one of Jim's hands holding her hair back while the other rested on top of her upper back, supporting her. Once she was finished she tried to get up, but her legs failed her again. They couldn't stop trembling, as if they'd been made of jelly instead of flesh and bones, and she couldn't stand upright - not even with Jim's help – so she leaned against the tiled wall and let herself slowly sink down to the floor.

Her fiancé looked at her silently for a second before proceeding to take off her snickers (which he left in the bedroom), and her socks (putting them inside the laundry basket.) She shivered when she touched the cold surface of the floor with her bare feet. Jim searched through her drawers for something to tie her hair with; in the end, he found a grey barrette and handed it to her. Even after she'd set hair up, some of her bangs escaped and framed her face. He disappeared from the bathroom again, looking for sort of napkin, which he moistened and used to wipe both sweat and _filth _traces off of her delicate features.

"Okay, so I'm drunk. Let me at least clean myself up."She protested.

"You're not in position to make any kind of demands right now."He snapped. His voice was still soft, but cold at the same time, and he never looked at her in the eyes. He flushed the toilet and threw the dirty napkin into the trash can, after which he sat on the floor beside her.

"I'm sorry."She whispered. She was starting to get a terrible, pounding headache. "I'm so sorry."

"I don't understand, Pam. I simply don't get it."He turned to her, questioningly.

She knew exactly what he was talking about. "I just… I don't know. I miss you."

"You can't do this. You can't get this drunk and have your friends calling me to say you passed out here or there. You can't make me drive like a lunatic to get here as quickly as possible. I nearly killed myself on the way here."

"You're making it sound like I'm an alcoholic. I already told you I'm sorry!"Tears started sliding down her cheeks. "You didn't have to come. You shouldn't have bothered."

"This is not about the 'bother', Pam! I don't mind cleaning up or driving two hours to get here. It's about going sick with worry every time the phone rings. It's about the way listening to you talking about going out with your friends makes me really nervous. You have to be safe, or I'm gonna have a heart attack."

There was a long pause as she continued to cry quietly, at a loss of words. Then she slowly laced her fingers with his.

"Look, I know there's no excuse for this. I'm sorry. I really am. Can we get past this?"

He said nothing. She turned around so she was kneeling before him, and looked right into his eyes. "Please."

Sighing and caressing her cheeks with his thumbs, he decided to speak. "Promise you'll never do it again."

"I swear I won't."A couple more tears fell down, landing on his fingers, like a confirmation of her words.

"Okay."

"Oh, thank you!"She buried her face in his shoulder.

"It's alright."He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her closer. "It's okay. I'm here."

"I thought you were gonna hate me forever after this. I'm so sorry-"

"No, wait, stop."He pretended to be shocked."What did you say? 'Hate'? I could never hate you, Pamela Beesly soon-to-be-Halpert. That is a fact."He offered her a small smile.

Seeing it, she instantly felt so much better. "You probably dislike my friends a lot though, don't you?"

"Kinda. I'm sorry. I'm sure they're great, but…"He abandoned the sentence, unsure of what to say next.

"But they turn me into Meredith Palmer."She said, chuckling for the first time in hours.

"Yeah, I guess that's the problem."He nodded, grinning slightly. "So, you're feeling-"

"Crappy."She interrupted him, resting her head on his chest. "I probably should go to sleep."

"Yeah, it's really late."He hesitated. "Um, you probably shouldn't walk, though."

"Oh, no, it's okay, let me just try-"

"Nah, never mind."He took her in his arms to carry her to the bedroom.

"Jim?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks. Seriously. "

He carefully left her the bed and leaned in to give her a kiss. "It's my job, love."With a wide smile on his face, he winked at her. "And I do it gladly."


	12. Support

**Continuity: **Season Six's 6th episode_, The Lover. _

_

* * *

_

_Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it…_

Pamela Halpert was mad, so very mad. She couldn't believe what was happening to her. Her mother. Of all people in the world Michael Scott could have decided to start dating, it had to be _her mother_. She simply didn't understand it. Helene Beesly wasn't ugly, weird or senile. There was no reason – other than the desperation related to the recent divorce – for her to consider it would be okay to date him.

_Fuck, this can't be happening. It just can't._

Pam wasn't a bad person. It wasn't that she didn't want Michael to be happy. She did want him to find someone. But knowing her boss, Michael dating her mother would be a complete disaster. There was no other way around it. When he wasn't the victim of a screwed, sick relationship, he invented it, making the other person suffer. And Pam wasn't going to let that happen to her mother.

_You crazy son of a bitch. How dare you?_

No one seemed to comprehend the seriousness of the situation, and that made her even angrier. How could they not see it? It was their boss, Michael Scott, who happened to be the biggest jerk on the planet sometimes, dating her mother. But no one understood. They all thought it was okay. They all thought she was overreacting. They seemed to be plotting against her to drive her nuts. And were they succeeding.

_Assholes._

She felt frustrated, mad, upset, and disgusted, all at once. She hated it. The very thought of Michael and his mother together – having _any_ kind of contact - made her feel like vomiting. And the more she thought about it, the angrier she got.

_Why is this happening to me?_

Her head was a whirlwind of colliding thoughts, and she debated between the urge to cry and the need to yell and throw things -specifically, at Michael – in order to let her rage out and stop herself from exploding. She thought she wanted to kill him, or hurt him really bad, or get her mother on a plane and send her far away – she had to do something. She couldn't just sit around and wait for him to accidentally destroy her family in a matter of seconds.

_Please, someone stop this. _

But she had to slow down. She was really worked up, and that much stress wasn't good for the baby. If something happened to the child… She couldn't even deal with that possibility, so she decided to try and calm down. But no matter how many times she deep breathed or slowly counted to ten, she still felt the same. It was all useless.

_Okay, just chill. Stop for a second. Take it easy. _

She sat down by her desk and wondered if focusing on all the work she had to do would help. She doubted it. The 'conversations' she had had with Michael and her furious responses kept replaying themselves inside her mind in an endless loop, making her restless.

"_Michael, let me make this very easy for you, I could give a shit about your happiness! Stop dating my mother!"_

"_You know what? I'm gonna start dating her even harder."_

Pam sighed. She was about to burst into tears. Was there no way she could possibly escape the horror of that day? She heard someone softly calling after her. Well, it wasn't just 'someone.'

"Hey Pam, can I see you for a second?"

She followed him to the conference room and he placed his arm around her waist as he walked her to the window.

"So, Dwight heard you were having a really rough day. So he generously offered to wash our car."

She looked out the window. "Awww, he did that for me?"

"Yes, he did."He nodded. After a small pause, he spoke again. "You know what was nice? Night swimming in Bayou bay."

She leaned her head on his shoulder, without saying anything.

He continued. "Remember that older couple whose kids were also named Jim and Pam?"

"Haha, yeah."Suddenly, her mind was filled with the images of their honeymoon, and Michael's words and actions became more of a background noise. "Say more nice things."

"Well, we went on a Segway tour and we're awesome at it… and Frank and Beans!"

She chuckled at the memory, then sighed deeply. "Maybe I'm overreacting."

"Yeah... maybe."

"But I don't think I am."Her tone was much more certain this time.

"You're not, nope. Nope."He shook his head and looked at her, a small grin on his face, after which he fully enveloped her with his arms and pulled her into a tight embrace, and it was as if she was hearing everything he wasn't saying with words.

He was there for her. He was her husband, and every time she felt like giving up she had to know she could count on him - he would do anything for her. He loved her, and everything was going to be alright. They had each other. And they had their baby. They would deal with everything else, one step at a time, and together. They would be fine.

Jim Halpert wasn't really a guy to talk openly about his feelings – deep down inside he was shy, and he wouldn't say certain things out loud unless they really needed to be said. But he was the best husband she could have possibly asked for, the only thing in the whole world keeping her sane when everything else failed or attempted to do the opposite.

His love was – it had always been, and was always going to be – stopping her from falling apart.

And Pamela Halpert promised herself she would never forget that.


	13. Uncertainty

**Continuity:** Season Two's 13th episode, _The Secret. _

_

* * *

_

Actually, he _thought _he did.

But his "secret" had never really been such. People watched him regularly and he hardly ever noticed it. Everybody knew what was going on. His coworkers saw things, they heard fragments of conversations, they tied loose ends… In the end, they had all reached similar conclusions, and once a rumor was released in the office, it became unstoppable.

"_Jim Halpert is in love with his best friend."_

"_Halpert's into Pam!"_

"_Jim has a crush on Pam."_

Granted, he had trusted the wrong person with his so called secret. Michael Scott was not, under any circumstances, a good confidant. But everybody – except the one person the secret involved – suspected and theorized on the subject long before Michael blurted out Jim's confession. He blamed it all on his boss' incapacity of keeping a secret, and he scolded himself for making the mistake of telling him about his feelings for Pam. He had been such a fool for thinking that Michael Scott would be able to act like a grown up for once.

When the truth was finally made public, the discussions about the receptionist's reactions began. Kevin and Oscar were sure that she would leave her fiancé and start dating Jim. Phyllis and Kelly agreed that the fact that he had kept his feelings to himself for so long was the most romantic thing they had ever seen - in real life, at least. Angela ordered everyone to stop talking about it because it was distasteful and nobody's business. Stanley's opinion was that nothing would change, and even if something happened the office would be as boring as usual. Dwight just shook his head, disapproving Jim's unprofessionalism. _"Mixing relationships and work? Pathetic."_He snorted when asked about the matter. Meredith suggested going out for a drink to celebrate, Ryan made his indifference very clear and Creed never answered the question. Toby just mentally cursed his bad luck.

But no one was as shocked by the 'secret' as Pam herself.

"_Jim had a crush on me on the booze cruise or he told you about it on the booze cruise?"_

"_Yeah, okay, shut it Michael. I'm done. That's it. I'm out."_

That afternoon, when she entered the elevator on her way out, she found him there. He smiled and she smiled back as if everything was normal, but there was a knot in her throat and she couldn't force herself to speak, so she just stared at him and stole glances from the corner of her eye, wondering whether Michael had been kidding or telling the truth.

"_Hey oh, listen, um, I told Michael on the booze cruise... It's so stupid. Um, I told Michael that I had had a crush on you when you first started here."  
_

"_Oh."_

_"Well I thought that, I figured you should hear it from me rather than, I mean, you know - Michael."  
_

"_Right."_

_"And seriously, it's totally not a big deal, ok? And when I found out you were engaged, I mean."_

_"No, I know, like, I kind of like, I thought that maybe you did when I first started."_

_"Oh you did?"_

_"No, I mean, just 'cause we like got along so well."  
_

"_No, no, you saw through me, great."_

_"So are you going to be like totally awkward around me now?"  
_

"_Oh yeah, yeah... hope that's okay."_

"_Mhmm."  
_

"_And Pam, it was like three years ago, so I am totally over it."_

_" Cool."  
_

"_Ok."_

As she prepared to go to sleep later that night, she tried to forget about what had happened but it seemed impossible. The worst part was that strange, inappropriate feeling of happiness, like a tiny butterfly dancing in her stomach every time she remembered that Jim Halpert had a crush on her.

_Oh come on, Pam, you're engaged, for God's sake, _she said to herself the second she realized she had actually liked – okay, loved - the idea of Jim being in love with her. But that didn't stop her from feeling that way, so she forced herself to consider another piece of relevant information. _Past tense, Pam. Past tense. He __had__ a crush on you. He didn't say he still does. _

She shook her head trying not to feel frustrated - _It doesn't matter. It's not like I have a crush on him or something – _and sat on the bed, wishing she could read minds and know clearly, once and for all, what was going on. Looking at the alarm clock with concern, she anticipated she would spend the night thinking instead of sleeping, rolling onto one side, then laying on her back, then rolling to the other side and biting her bottom lip as she wondered where could the truth be and when would she find it. That would make her nervous, anxious and frustrated.

_"...it was like three years ago, so I am totally over it..."_

Pam Beesly did_ not_ like uncertainty.

Jim Halpert had a secret.


	14. Attraction

**Continuity:** Anytime before Season Two's 22nd episode, _Casino Night._

_

* * *

_

It's kind of funny because it doesn't make sense. Granted, according to Physics, opposites attract. But they're not opposites - they're almost the same, so the rule doesn't really apply.

The irresistible, charming, magnetic attraction between them, however, becomes stronger by the day, even when it wasn't even supposed to be there in the first place.

Because they're friends - best friends - and ruining such a perfect, cheerful relationship wouldn't be okay. And because she's engaged, which means that a) he has no right over her, and b) if she happened to have feelings for him, she wouldn't be able to act on them anyways.

But the attraction remains. They don't understand it, sometimes they curse it, sometimes they wonder why it exists - maybe the fact that they can't be together generates it out of pure thrill and excitement; yeah, perhaps prohibition and physical attraction are directly proportional – and mostly they just bear with it.

Neither of them is ready to face what's beneath all that attraction.

Neither of them is willing to see past that force that pulls them closer and closer and closer as if _it_ (whatever it is) wanted them to become one, a whole.

It's getting harder by the second for them to pretend they don't want that as well.


	15. Sorrow

**Continuity:** Anytime between the end of Season Two (_Casino Night_) and Season Three's 8th episode, _The Merger. _

* * *

Ever since he met her, everything is defined within extremes. He used to be capable of shades, but now everything's only black or white, red or blue, hot or cold, and nothing in the middle.

Every time she smiled for him – a small smile was enough – he felt the most perfect kind of happiness. But now that he's got to learn how to live without her – if there's a way, that is – the deepest kind of sorrow fills his days. He can't get rid of it, as if it were a ghost - invisible yet haunting – and its mission seems to be following him everywhere he goes and reminding him of the girl he's left behind. Sorrow doesn't allow him to let go. Sorrow doesn't let him move on. Sorrow makes him unable to get over what happened. And thanks to sorrow, the memories of the girl he loved (_loves_) are more alive than ever.

No one really notices how hard it is for him to simply get by. Granted, he never tells anyone about his love life, but even if someone asked, he would probably do a good job hiding his true feelings. People can't see his heart making room for sorrow inside his ribcage.

He's just a bit afraid of what might happen if sorrow never lets go of him.

Or if he never lets go of sorrow.


	16. Green eyes

**Continuity:** _Money_ (Season Four's 4th episode.)

* * *

The guy was completely falling apart in front of him, and even though Dwight Schrute wasn't exactly Jim Halpert's best friend, he kind of understood what his nagging, persistently annoying coworker was going through, and decided to talk to him. Partly because Pam was giving him that look, the _Don't bother him today, please, he needs a break_ kind of look, and Jim always surrendered to Pam's will.

"Did I ever tell you why I left Scranton?"

Dwight only mumbled incoherently.

"Yeah, I didn't think I had. Well, it was all about Pam."

Jim sighed heavily. He didn't like remembering that part of his life. "Yeah, I mean she was with Roy, and, uh, I just couldn't take it. I mean, I lost it Dwight. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't concentrate on anything. Even weird stuff, like food had no taste. So my solution was to move away. It was awful."

The sleepless nights, the dates with Karen which made him feel like a treacherous bastard and a horrible person at the same time, the numbness. Especially the numbness. Being away from Pam meant locking his heart in a cage and throwing away the key.

"It was something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, and that includes you."He finished his little speech, honesty oozing from his voice.

It was then when realization hit him.

He, unlike Dwight, was happy.

He finally had what he'd always wanted.

Pam loved him.

Pam, the wonderful, perfect woman he had adored from the moment he laid eyes on her, loved him back. Despite everything he'd done wrong. And just as much as he loved her.

Suddenly Jim felt so idiotic for not being grateful enough for what he had.

_Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid… _

He left Dwight, ran upstairs to the office and found Pam standing by her desk with some folders in her hands.

"Hey, I was thinking about dinner-"

He was indifferent to people's opinions as he cupped her face in his hands and kissed her right in front of everyone. When their lips parted, he knew she was smiling brightly even before he opened his eyes.

"Ah, dinner. Let's see, maybe we should try the new Italian place, where the drive-in used to be."

"Okay."A joyful kind of surprise was written all over her face.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

And Jim felt like the luckiest guy in the entire world.


	17. Options

**Continuity:** _Casino Night._ (Season Two's 22nd episode.)

* * *

He aimlessly roams around the parking lot, drowning in fear, uncertainty and indecision, asking himself over and over what is he going to do. Time is running out, leaving seems just as painful as staying, and no matter how hard he squeezes his brain he can't find a way to stop suffering (a way to stop _feeling._)

Then suddenly there she is, as if he'd summoned her up with his thoughts.

He looks at her and simply knows there's no way he's leaving without trying one last time, without giving it another shot – even if it's like making a bold bet which might mean the loss of everything he has. But then again, what he has is really nothing but illusions, dreams, and wishes of having a chance to be happy with the woman he loves.

_Just one more time_, he promises himself. _This is it. No more hints or lies. The truth, and if it's not enough… _

"I was just, um, I'm in love with you."

And her smile vanishes. As he tries to explain – yes, _explain_, as if he had to make up excuses for his heart's inconvenient choice – she just stares at him in complete, utter disbelief.

"I'm sorry if that's weird for you to hear, but I needed you to hear it."He doesn't think the way she's looking at him is a good sign. "Probably not good timing, I know that-"

"What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?"She interrupts him, her voice filled with something that sounds like indignation.

_Oh, wow, okay, so I screwed up._

"I just needed you to know. Once."

"Well, I um... I... I can't."Now her tone seems to be the kind that admits no reply. It hurts for both of them.

_Where did the kind, warm girl I fell in love with go?_

"Yeah."

There's a short, silent moment before she speaks again. "You have no idea..."

But he knows where that's headed, and cuts her off. "Don't do that."

"...what your friendship means to me."

"Come on. I don't wanna do that. I wanna be more than that."

_That's right. Take it or leave it, Beesly. _

"I can't."The pain is written all over her face, but he's too blinded by his own and his eyes, too clouded by tears, for him to notice that. "I'm really sorry if you misinterpreted things."

_Liar,_ screams a voice inside of her. _You're a liar, Pamela M. Beesly. _But she ignores it and continues. "It's probably my fault."

"Not your fault. I'm sorry I misinterpreted, uh, our friendship."

So he realizes – he lets her make him believe - that everything is lost. He accepts defeat, wipes off the one tear he hasn't been able to hold back and walks away. And he wonders why would she turn him down when he'd offered her his heart on a silver plate, what was the purpose of crushing him like this, and how, if she has just torn his heart to microscopic, unrecognizable shreds can he still be in love with her.

Love is a mystery, always.


	18. You

**Continuity:** _Casino Night_. (Season Two's 22nd episode.)

* * *

She wants him. She didn't know desire before, but now she does. She wonders why she didn't see it before – the way he makes her feel, that is: how goose bumps pop all over her skin whenever it casually brushes his, or how she blushes slightly when he stares at her, or how she finds every little thing he does attractive.

It's not just lust, though.

There's something else buried underneath all that desire – something deeper, stronger, more powerful and pure – but she doesn't want to deal with it now, and she's not sure about when she'll be ready to. Facing the fact that she has feelings for her best friend could be dangerous and destroy everything in a matter of seconds, so she unconsciously decides she's not going to admit the truth and instead she'll just pass those feelings off as simple desire.

And desire is (_supposed to be_) much easier to handle. After all, people control their bodies, not the other way around. She's willing to control herself – ignoring that crazy attraction between them – and hold everything back, but of course, that doesn't mean she can stop him from acting on his feelings, or that she's going to resist when he does.

When he kissed her, she felt alive for the first time in years. She wanted to kiss him back passionately, in a way that would take his breath away, and she wished he'd kiss her until she literally couldn't live another second without oxygen. She wanted him.

"You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that."

_That makes two of us._

Her eyes met his and it was undeniable. "Me too… I think we're just drunk."

_Yeah, drunk with desire. _

"No I'm not drunk. Are you drunk?" He leaned in to kiss her again, but she pulled away, as if she'd suddenly realized that unless she stopped herself/him then, she'd never be able to: once his lips touched hers again, she would lose all perception of reality.

The words fell from her lips slowly, and it felt like she was killing him. "No – Jim…"

"Are you really gonna marry him?"

A choice. An accusation. Disbelief. As if he were saying _Really, Pam? Really?_

With a brief, ashamed nod she destroyed the last, tiny bit of hope he had left, and so he was empty. He let go of her hands and by the time she saw him walk out the door she knew desire – or love, or whatever she decided to call it – would never leave her.

The taste of his lips still lingered on hers to remind her of what had just happened – just as desire was always, always going to be there to remind her of the deeper, truer, stronger, more powerful and pure feelings she had been forced to face, even when she wasn't ready to.


	19. Breakable

**Continuity:** _The Fire_ (Season Two's 4th episode.)

* * *

His girlfriend grabs his tie and pulls him closer to her.

_Oh, no, they're gonna kiss._

Pam feels repulsion and jealousy, plus an indescribable need to tear her eyes away from them - based upon the theory that watching them kiss would only break her - and it happens the exact moment she notices Roy coming towards her. She grabs her fiancé by the shirt and kisses him, trying to pretend that the gesture comes out of love and is not a desperate attempt to erase from her mind the scene she has turned her back on.

Of course, that also keeps her from seeing the look on Jim's face, the pain in his eyes as he watched her, the indescribable urge to kill Roy that he tries to hide. He feels repulsion, and as he gets into his car, somehow Katy's words break through the walls of his sickened mind, making him feel even worse.

"They are _so _cute."

He feels a little bit as if he's broken.


	20. Signal fire

**Continuity:** _Weight Loss_ (Season Five's 1st episode.)

* * *

She was standing right in front of him, arms folded over her chest, staring at him as her hair blew on the wind. The raindrops fell mercilessly on both of them.

He had wanted to say something romantic so the moment would be perfect, but all chances of giving a speech had faded away when he'd jumped out of the car to meet her at the gas station. It didn't seem like a good idea. Truth alone would have to do.

"What are you doing?"

He suddenly felt weak, anxious - almost insignificant - as fear took over his mind.

_Please, please, please…_

His voice was the only thing besides the rain breaking the silence. "I just... couldn't wait."He offered as an explanation as he got down on one knee and pulled the ring out of his pocket, holding it up like savages hold sacrifices up for their gods. (Well, she was everything for him, so, she might as well have been his God.)

Realization hit her and she covered her mouth with her hands. "Oh my God."

_Please, please, please… _

"Will you marry me?"It sounded not so much as a question, but as a quiet-yet-desperate plea.

"Oh my God!"She exclaimed, louder this time.

He waited impatiently. "So?" Did she not know how his life depended on her answer?

She smiled widely and nodded several times, giggling. "Yes, yes, yes…"

He let out a relieved chuckle and stood up, enveloping her in his arms as they kissed with the contagious, expanding kind of happiness that came with the knowledge of having everything they'd ever wanted and the certainty that more happiness was granted for them in the future. When they parted for a moment, pressing their foreheads together, neither of them could find the words to speak, to say anything at all. Neither of them cared about the pouring rain - which implied going back to their respective obligations soaking wet – or about time, or anything but their perfect little moment, and the fact that they were going to be together for the rest of their lives.

He was the first to (barely) recover from the joyous shock. "We're getting married, Beesly."He didn't mind stating the obvious.

"We're getting married, Halpert."She whispered as some tears of happiness moistened her already damp cheeks. It was hard to tell which drops belonged to her and which ones, to the rain.

But if something was sure, that was that _she _was entirely his, just as he was hers.

And that's how Jim was able to prove the theory that words are, sometimes, quite unnecessary.


	21. Someday

**Continuity:** Right after _Casino Night_ (Season Two's 22nd episode.)

* * *

It was a night that changed everything.

She let him go away – something she would permanently regret for months. He was willing – and ready - to hand her the world on a silver plate, to love her until the day of his dying breath (well, that was going to happen anyways), to be there for her always, and all she had to do was giving him a chance. But she didn't – she let him slip away right through her fingers, because asking him to stay simply hurt too much.

(Sometimes, opportunities die - or get killed- before they're even born. Sometimes, promises break before they're made. Sometimes – _all the time_ – they would miss each other, but they would stubbornly resist facing it.)

He only hoped that someday he would go back and she would be waiting for him.

She only hoped someday she would find the courage to tell him the truth.

Someday, she would love him – or so he hoped.

Someday he would be alright – a nice change from the train wreck he felt like that night.


	22. Ways

**Continuity:** Anytime before Season Two's 22nd episode, _Casino Night. _

_

* * *

_

With every day that passed, she fell for him a little harder. It didn't matter how guilty it made her feel - because, after all, she had promised her heart would be someone else's- or how much she fought it: his love, still, found its way to her, over and over and over again. Trying to resist was nothing but a pointless struggle, partly due to his determination, which made her know deep down inside, that they would end up together inevitably – and God, did she love the idea.

Phrases, words, hugs, pranks, shared glances of complicity and humor… subtle ways through which his love reached her. Subtle gestures through which she loved him back, even if she didn't notice it completely.

"_That was beautiful. All her idea too. Awesome. She is so great."_

"_Okay, I have just convinced Dwight that he needs to go to Stamford and_ _spy on our other branch. But before he does so, I told him that he should dye his hair to go undercover." _

"_That's perfect!"_

"_You're gonna wish me luck?"_

"_Yeah, you're gonna need it."_

"_Whoa, is that trash talk from Pam?"_

"_I'm just saying, Roy is very competitive, and he wants to take the Wave Runners to the lake this Saturday, so..."_

"_Well, I'm going to the outlet mall on Saturday, so if you wanna save big on brand names and Roy has to work, which he will - because I'm also competitive - you should feel free to come along."_

"_Oh, hey, Jim. Wait, stop. Um, I'm sorry... for pushing you towards Cumberland. Seriously, if you left here, I would blow my brains out."_

"_Come on."_

"_Every so often, Jim dies of boredom. I think today it was the expense reports that did him in. And our deal is that, it's up to me to revive him."_

"_I traded with Dwight. Just, I figured, you know, you went to a lot of trouble and it means a lot."_

"_Alright, Beesly, Hey, Happy Valentine's Day."_

"_Oh, I dare you to make an announcement."_

"_You dare me? How old are you?"_

"_Luke, this is your father. Come set the table for dinner."_

"_Such a dork."_

"_Jim Halpert? Price check on fabric softener, the kind that gives you..."_

"_How old are you?"_

"_I hate you."_

"_What? Did you want to tell me something? You look like you want to tell me something. You look like you have something really important to say and you just can't for some reason. Come on, you can tell me. Jim, you can tell me anything."_

"_Here, just buy it from me. I haven't talked to you in hours and it's been weird and I really want to know what the hell's going on with Dwight."_

"_Hi."_

"_Hey."_

"_Jim is great. Being with him just takes away all the stress of planning my wedding."_

"_Yeah, right."_

"_Yeah, right, what?"_

"_What was this?"_

"_I have good cards."_

"_Really?"_

"_Mhmm, And I'm gonna take you all-in."_

"_Wow. I think you're bluffing."_

His love would always find its way to her.

And Pam was starting to think it was completely foolish to believe she'd ever be able to stop it.


	23. Competition

**Continuity:** Season One's 5th episode, _Basketball. _

_

* * *

_

You might have won the game today, but you feel like you've lost. You gave your best and it worked: your team won the game. But you still lost. You lost _her._

Or maybe you didn't, because after all, how can you lose what's never been yours to begin with? She was, in fact, his, long before she met you, so it is possible that she was never really at stake.

"_I'm just saying, Roy is very competitive."_

"_Well, I'm going to the outlet mall on Saturday, so if you wanna save big on brand names and Roy has to work, which he will - because I'm also competitive - you should feel free to come along."_

But you can't help feeling like you lost her. It's cruelly unfair. In an ideal world – a place where complications like her fiancé don't exist – she would have been yours from the beginning. (You remember the day you met her, and how you fell in love with her from the moment you saw her, and being completely sure that you could have married her right there and then if she'd said yes to your proposal.) You know she is yours somehow – despite the insecurities, the fear, and the fiancé, you know she loves you in the same quietly desperate way you love her – but knowing that she's supposed to marry someone else kills you.

"_Let's get you into a tub."_

"_Yeah? Let's get you into a tub."_

You shake your head, disgusted at the memory. You think that even though love's not a competition, he's winning, and that it's really frustrating, because he doesn't deserve it. However, that doesn't mean you're going to give up. You knew from the start that this was some sort of a competition, and therefore, you could either win or lose. You accepted the rules, and now you're in the middle of it. Just because you're losing, it doesn't mean you'll stop playing. Even if the competition is hard, painful, rough and cruel, you won't quit the game until it's over.

After all, she's worth it.


	24. Hers

**Continuity:** Anytime during Season Three before _Beach Games._

She knows now that he'd been right all along, and she had been wrong. Their friendship had never really been such, but she'd refused to see the warnings and closed her eyes to the signs and blinded by denial, she had pushed him away.

She knows now that he was right. She was in love with him and she wanted more than friendship, just like him. But she was too much of a stubborn fool to admit it soon enough.

She knows now that she is his. It's a bad thing she didn't realize that sooner, when he still was hers.

She keeps hoping that one day – hopefully soon – he'll suddenly realize how much he hurt her by leaving, and how sorry she is for what she's done, and he'll let her tell him she knows he was right.

She keeps wishing for someone or something to save her, to make things better because she no longer knows what to do to prove him that she wants him back. Every time they meet, he passes her by (little does she know how much it pains him to do so.) And when she tries to speak, the meaningful words she'd like to say to him die before they leave her mouth.

But she'll never stop praying for a miracle, because she can't deal with the idea of this mess becoming their permanent state.

He had loved her once.

She needs him back.


	25. Ache

**Continuity:** Anytime between the end of Season Four and _Business Trip_ (Season Five's 7th episode.)

* * *

She wakes up from a horrible nightmare. Sitting on the bed, she runs a hand through her messy reddish curls and tries to sooth herself.

_Calm down, Pam. It wasn't real. _

It is then – just as she's starting to feel a little better – when she notices the empty, cold space on the other side of the bed, which leads her to remember where she is and why.

_Oh, right. He's not here._

Just like every morning, as the ache of distance pierces right through her soul, she holds tears back and tells herself not to be stupid, because after all, she's there voluntarily, learning about art, her passion and dearest dream since she can remember.

_Does he miss me this much?_

She wonders – just like every morning – if pursuing her dream is always going to hurt this much, and whether or not the price she's paying is a little too high. The answer is obvious to her. As long as they're not together, the ache will be with her permanently, no matter how hard she tries to leave it behind.

Imagining his reaction to her mini-breakdown is the only thing that she can't think of in order to smile a little bit. She can almost see him making one of his faces.

"_Come on, Beesly. I miss you too. I love you. Don't give up. Plus, think of this as an improvement of your artistic skills. I mean, aren't all artists somehow tormented?" _

It's not that it keeps her from missing him, but it helps.


End file.
